Adjusting children to a blended family

It is often very difficult for children to handle a divorce or other major change to their family structure. It is also difficult for children to trust a new person or family and sometimes challenging to convince them to make the effort to get to know them.

Nonetheless, it is important to work to build trust. Remember, it takes time to build a cohesive family, so don’t take it personally or worry if yours doesn’t come together quickly or 100% harmoniously.

Children want to be happy, but they can become unsure how to share their parent(s) with someone new and of how a new arrangement fits into the life they know. 

Be patient; resist the temptation to fix things all at once. Children need time to adjust to new rules; make changes in small steps instead of rushing for an immediate fix. 

As much as possible, provide children with stability, rituals, and routines such as a consistent family dinner, movie or game night, and regular family fun time. Whether they are 6 or 14 years old, it takes time but in the long run trust can be built.

The Children’s Workshop suggests that blended families avoid the following problems:

1)     Not allowing spouse and stepchildren to develop a healthy relationship.
When a biological parent always takes their child’s side, it creates a challenge for the child to build a relationship with their new stepparent.  Set boundaries as to how both parents will handle situations from the start so children can adjust easily

2)     Don’t ignore your new partner’s emotions or feelings.
Plan ahead and discuss parenting styles with your new spouse.  For instance, how will you handle conflict or answer difficult questions that may come up from your children?  It’s important to be on the same team from the get-go.   Try to be in tune to his or her reactions, emotions and feelings as well as to those of your children too. 

3)     Don’t assume an instant connection will be made.
Just because the adults are excited about this new blended family, don’t assume the children are.  Adults need to go into a new marriage realistically with their eyes wide open. Talk about issues and concerns prior to blending families together.

The Children’s Workshop says that there are many advantages to blended families:

· More extended family members, grandparents, aunts and uncles to help everyone through these new transitions.

· Your child may now have new brothers or sisters.

· The family may have a higher standard of living due to combined income.

· There is an opportunity to feel part of a two parent family.

As well as disadvantages:

· Disciplining someone else’s child may be difficult and could cause resentment.

· There could be unexpected problems with child maintenance (medical care, behavior, or access to visits with their other parent).

· Parent/partner may not get along with their new partner’s child/children.

Parents can help their children adjust by listening when your child wants to talk to you. Don’t try to force a new relationship on them. Encourage your child to talk about their feelings.

Set up regular routines for a sense of security. Give your child time to adjust, but if needed, look into professional help. The key is patience and time. All will fall into place if everyone works together.